From Daily Log, Mosaic Multicultural Foundation, and Unpacking my attachment to the myth of dharma transmission

The road of life and death. Initiatory moment. In the middle of the story – grandfather tells Long Arrow he can ask for a gift. He has the courage and vision to ask for it all. The realization today was, metaphorically, when I asked for it all, Roshi said No. The ordeal was 28 years long. I moved away seven years ago.

We’re in the ceremony at Mendocino (procession about to begin). The realization was that I did receive the gift – it was 22-3/4 years of teaching and for whatever reason he said No until the day he died. The message is – I’m not going to give it to you – you’re going to have to do it yourself. As Jack (Kornfield) just said (to me) – You can make your own fucking life.

And so today I got it, that that’s the gift. I asked for everything and he gave me what I thought was nothing. But that’s the only way I could really get everything. The Zen master forced me to find my own life. And today is the day I realized that in the context of the road of life and death. And what that means is that now is the mid-point. The time to turn around and walk into the rest of life as a fully initiated man. The Zen Center was not the place of initiation. It was the ordeal part. The last 7 years have been the re-entry. And this is the initiatory community to welcome me back.

The full context is not the Zen Center. It’s the road of life and death. Reflecting on the Zen Center was necessary but I must now turn away from the past and face toward the rest of my life. Becoming a practitioner, mentor, and elder in living out my destiny, my first agreement.

Looking forward – I’m going back to school in 2 weeks.

*Kenny was asking me what is my first agreement. I told him it still seems grandiose to me. I am called by a global vision. I want to make an original and major impact on changing the global culture. Bringing world peace. Global environmental healing. I have been reading and studying for a long time to clarify exactly what I will do.

8/23/08
Where am I in the story? What did Long Arrow ask for? What did the old grandfather give him? Asked for the coat/robe, the many-colored medicine belt, and the whole herd of elk-dogs. He was given the robe, the belt, and the white buffalo rope, which can be used to catch the spirit animals.