From Stage 7. Early Elderhood – The Master in the Grove of Elders

After my diagnosis in May of 2009 we almost unconsciously accelerated our outings to the enriching concerts and other events we had been enjoying. I started keeping track  in November of 2009.

8/13/2012 – Yesterday and today a lot of turbulence with Mary. On reflection it’s because my speech just crossed a subtle threshold that created a huge amount of frustration for both of us. There is a subtle emotional tuning and harmonizing that takes place in a relationship from the small verbal signals shared while going through the basic patterns of daily life. My articulation has weakened enough that for the first time the majority of these seemingly minor utterances are not registering, so Mary has to ask me to repeat myself. Somehow because of the almost subliminal level of the discourse, the effort required to consciously access what I just said that was missed, and then try to repeat it more clearly, felt like a big unexpected drain on my energy. I got unusually upset as she asked me to repeat what were meant to be inconsequential, throw away lines, and my response upset her, in a vicious spiral.  I realized at the time that what I said really was incomprehensible, and that’s what triggered my despair. Her only choice was to ask me to repeat myself. Her listening has been exquisite and a blessing. We have had an island of almost unaffected speech communication. The loss of this level strikes me very deeply. My lifeline to subtle emotional tuning through the spoken word was falling apart in front of us. She is the last and only person left who has been able to understand what I say when I’m being natural and comfortable speaking. I think neither of us could accept that this was happening.