1/31/2001 – Two months later, [the suspension appeal has been resolved and settled, the parent has now made a police complaint, and I have seen the UTLA assigned attorney, Rosemary Ward]. She suggests I sign up for counseling. It’s during the January-February break before the last 4 months of my third year. I’ll be returning to the 4th grade class Juan was in.
2/1 – I called the Employee Assistance Program number Rosemary gave me to get counseling. She said it looks very good to the police that I have sought counseling. She wants to be able to say that I already have an appointment made (or that I have already been) by the time we talk with Officer Gaeta Thursday.
2/7 – Had first appointment with Scott Harris. Very nice. He will be helpful in getting clear about what’s happening in my life with regard to career/livelihood.
2/14 – Second appointment with Scott. Also quite a bit of movement. I’ll try to write about it in the Progoff Journal.
2/21 – Third appointment with Scott Harris today.
2/28 – Saw Scott Harris today. 4th session. Wrote nice letter to try to help with Friday hearing. At end of session: what (is it that the kids can do that) pushes your buttons? What is it in you that triggers a response?
I conjectured when he suggested “loss of control” in his list,
LSD experiences of loss of ego control and
reading Almaas about deepest layer, letting go of subtlest, deepest ego identification, after years of intensive spiritual and psychological work.
He said, if that’s the long process, then this is sort of the test of that process, isn’t it? So – I want to unpack what that means. It was while while we were wrapping up.
3/2 – ADMINISTRATIVE HEARING FOR POSSIBLE CRIMINAL CHARGES. CASE DISMISSED.
FINISHING THE SCHOOL YEAR WITH SAME 4TH GRADE CLASS (MARCH-JUNE)
3/7 – 5th session. Third day of school. First day was bad, but second and third felt pretty good. We talked about integration of feeding hungry ghosts, nourishing kids, bearing witness, nourishing myself. This doesn’t come anywhere close to doing it justice. Just a marker as a reminder.
3/12 – 6th session. Sixth day of school. Possibility emerges that how I deal with career stabilization, and a channel for my spiritual practice, is in finding fulfillment teaching elementary school. That is, doing what I’m doing, teaching children. Nourishing them. What is it I want to transmit to them? He asked several times and I never clarified the intention. Once clarified, maybe the gap between the intention and the actuality can be narrowed and overcome.
3/19 – 7th session. He’s still asking what is it I need to bring to the classroom to close the gap? Is there a way to bring my understanding of Buddhist principles into my work? I told him it’s not by teaching the principles or teaching meditation, but by using the principles to work on myself while I’m in the crucible of the classroom. To transform myself, which will automatically translate into benefits for the kids.
My daily journal 3/20 – Interesting therapy yesterday. 7th session, I think. He’s asking about what’s the gap in the classroom that I need to close. I’m saying it has to do with my emotional reactivity. That what I have to do is work on myself to reduce (or as KM says dismantle) reactive emotional patterns. And this is where Buddhism and psychology come together. Which is what I really want to teach. So the crucible of the classroom, where I am undergoing a transformation is where my calling as a teacher is being tested. His question was, you are very well-versed in Buddhist principles, is there any way you can teach that. And my answer was – yes – but not as content – not by teaching Buddhist principles or teaching meditation – but by using Buddhist principles to transform myself in the classroom. This will automatically benefit the students – as I bring a transformed presence to them.
Reflecting on this on the way home in the car it came as a flash, and maybe around looking at Reb Anderson’s book when I got home, that the Buddhist principles are the 16 bodhisattva precepts. In the session I had been talking about 3 things I’ve been reading: McLeod, Loving Kindness, and Almaas. Always it’s an ever-changing set of practices converging toward revealing my true nature. The flash was that where these various methods converge is at our precepts. What made the flash bigger is this is where the calling I’m working on with regard to career/vocation converges with what I have felt is my true calling for so long: being a Zen successor. Because the precepts are the carrier wave for the transmission.
3/26 – 8th session. I started talking about moving from the Zen Center. He compared it with his wife having a baby. Leaving the womb, leaving the nest. This is going on at the same time as the struggle with career. I said it’s not really teaching. It’s like being a finger in the dike. The bottom rung of the dysfunctional society, and all the pressure is on you to make it right. Talked a little about how doing grouping and centers could help me with the management and discipline problem. If I’m there long enough I’ll finally get that going. We could both feel the energy come up when I talked about that. Empowering my teaching skills speaks to the core of the livelihood, root chakra issue. I talked about strong will and commitment to have all these converging changes be a strong positive personal growth event. It’s the razors edge of that willfulness, and the other side of allowing it to come to fruition. Requires skillful balance to navigate to go WITH the flow of a lot of change happening at once. I can do it. I will do it.
4/2 – 9th session. Talking about Kozol’s compassion and empathy, I said it’s something I’m inspired by and aspire to. I feel that it’s something I could do/should do. He said, “Let’s end on that note.”
But then I added, “It feels like my strength is my mind – and ever since I started doing Zen practice it hasn’t been OK to use my strength.” And we decided that would be an interesting place to start next time.
4/9 – 10th session. Writing this a week later. Felt very empowered by a sense of integration. Told whole story of saying goodbye to true man of no rank. Told about how I work with practices. Described loving kindness meditation. He gave me stuff on “Attuned Classroom”. I can’t remember where we left off at end of session. I was so high I forgot to write it down. Told him I’d be going to workshop on GOSN. Obviously talked about feeding, nourishing. Now having been to workshop (it’s 4/16 as I write) I feel shift from intellectual-only to experientially working with energy. And I picked up Tribes book and tape in meantime. I remember waxing enthusiastic about TMR’s new book. The power and subtlety of his non-verbal transmission. Visions of being able to speak from my own power and integrate with livelihood emerged.
4/16 – 11th session.
Very alive and energetic. Started by talking about how retreat involved shift from intellectual-only to experientially working with energy. Then I talked about drumming for the first time. He of course asked can’t you bring it into your classroom. I mentioned my several tries. He said this sounds like play/creativity/play/creativity. I said yes. The key is how the required curriculum/standards can connect with my energy/creativity, enthusiasm and joy for life. This time I think the framework of Tribes will help. By the time we got to the end I started talking about the mandala of my work, with three elements to combine, the first three below. As I laid them out, the fourth one came up. And then the fifth one arose to seal the whole thing and make it an ongoing upwardly spiraling process. These five items are what I wanted to take away as the center of the mandala that I am kneading like bread.
Everything I’ve been doing
Tribes
Drumming. Talked about Arthur Hull, facilitating, moving energy.
Release time for observing excellent teachers who are doing the kinds of things I want to do.
Structure for reflection. (Hey, that’s what this writing project is [8/12/03])
4/23 – 12th session.
Friday morning Mary said the only thing missing is a sense of humor. That became my mantra. Seems to be a very fruitful leverage point. Scott emphasized what can I do to make my class more fun, teaching more enjoyable. Get beyond just surviving in the classroom to making it more enjoyable for me and the students. They have a lot of strengths I’m not playing to. I’m not sure what they are. What are the things they beg for that I tune out? How can I use Tribes to make a more positive learning experience? (What are the 4 agreements?)
Also, connect with what Arthur Hull would recommend as local drum circle community. (I tried but only find Ayo Adeyemi, Griffith Park, and Venice Beach. Maybe take up Arthur’s invitation to write to him).
4/30 – 13th session.
Talked mostly about refining communication between Mary and I with regard to house hunting. Has to do with attending to her emotion and helping her unpack it. But as I write this I realize strongly it applies to doing the same with mine.
Toward the end I was trying to express what it means to me to just bring attention to the energy to allow it to melt and rise to the next level. I said my model for growth is that our view becomes larger and more inclusive but whatever the boundaries that’s the limit. Bringing attention to the boundary allows it to dissolve and the view becomes larger yet. I said this comes from Maezumi Roshi, Almaas, and Ken McLeod. I said I would bring 2 things by Almaas, a beginning one and a technical one. And that this integration of theory and practice feels like the real healing I want to do. Very exciting.
Reflecting afterward I want to see Epstein on what Freud called this kind of attention.
5/7 – 14th session.
Realized that rehearsing with Paul takes too much time from things I have to do and adds too much stress to a highly stressful time. I need to call him and tell him I won’t be able to continue.
Became very clear that I have to clarify the context of Mary Ann Somers mentoring. I didn’t realize it until the therapy session, but it has reactivated all the fear, terror, anger, resentment, etc. from earlier run-ins with administrators. I need to clarify the relationship when we meet after school for the first time Wednesday. Is she being paid? Who pays her? Is the mentoring mandatory? Do I have a choice?
With Derick and Shelly they told me confidentiality was absolute. They were not evaluating me for administrators. I never saw anything by or from them in the listings of evidence against me. In other cases felt I was repeatedly stabbed in the back. Can’t go any further with her without clarifying the situation.
If this is clarified to my satisfaction, she could be an ally in helping me integrate my life – bringing my strengths into the classroom.
Scott said my struggle in the classroom reminds him of a mountain bike ride. There’s a lot of steep, rough riding at the base of the hill. I know he was going to continue on with his metaphor, but I interrupted him before he got up into the fun part. I realized almost all of my experience as a teacher has been like a torture. At one point in the session, toward the end, I moaned, I’m really getting sick of this. (Two years later I realize there’s a middle phase of high meadows and a final phase of coasting downhill [8/12/03]).
At one point he said it’s like there are two things going on. One of them is my ongoing struggle in the classroom to integrate my life. It’s almost like a spiritual quest. The other element is this outside person who has come in, and feels like a big disruption right now. But if these questions about trust, confidentiality, and safety can be answered clearly in the affirmative, she could become an ally in this quest.
I talked about the sick, sinking feeling I’ve had every time my current skill level and level of performance is compared to the California Standards for the Teaching Profession. I feel like I’m so far away from these standards that it’s really discouraging, debilitating, depressing, not encouraging at all. I kept running into that constantly in the first two years, while I was in DI. Now this year while I’m not, and since coming back on track after the whole Juan Diaz thing, and since Zionne was transferred out, I have been feeling like I’m developing my own style and my own voice, I’m growing in the right direction. I don’t have anybody looking over my shoulder. I’m in therapy working on bringing my strengths as a human being into the classroom. It’s been feeling like I’m going in the right direction, finding my own voice. But now this observer comes in and I suddenly feel inadequate, defensive, like I’m being judged, like I’m in danger of having these horrible battles with administrators. The thought of another wave of that kind of backstabbing, adversarial force from my bosses is totally crazy-making. So that’s what came up in therapy today. I’m really glad I went, because I wasn’t conscious of the fact that having the mentor was reactivating all this shit.
I mentioned to Scott how great it is to have this third-party view of what’s happening on my classroom, especially since it involves having a third party in the classroom. It’s like a set of receding mirrors. She watches me interact with my class, he gets to provide perspective on that triad. He mentioned an observation technique of Salvador Minuchin, and loaned me “Family Therapy Techniques” by Minuchin.
He also talked about how he’s doing corporate coaching and has manager/clients who will tell him how much they hate their boss. It’s very critical to know what the roles and ground rules are in these professional relationships. I need to clarify that with Mrs. Sommers.
5/14 – 15th session – Asking about what I’d be happy doing. He suggested private school environment might be nicer. I mentioned librarian job at Crossroads. Even if less money would be so much happier. He asked again about my independent business. I mentioned that the trail died out at the Zen Meditation for Professionals workshop. He said bring some stuff from that next time. See about picking up the trail. The road not taken.
5/21 – 16th session – Talked mostly about my Stull and how nervous it makes me. Just need to really do it well. He talked about relating with the kids. The challenge: pick one kid to get through to. (Could be a different one each day). But have that be the project for the day. Really connect with this one kid.
He also gave the metaphor of his camp days, with the canoe challenge at the end, including some rapids. You had the whole camp to prepare well, but it was still a rush and you really had to execute, be in the moment, when you did it.
Also, I left some ZMFP material from 1989 with him.
A NEW PLATEAU – EMPLOYMENT STATUS PERMANENT, HOME IN ESCROW
6/1 – 17th session – Talked about successful Stull yesterday, change of status from probationary to permanent. Big relief. June is starting and all the transitions are right on track. The escrow is going really smooth. Rebecca is doing great, and so is Mary. Establishing this new plateau, it seems enough structure is in place that in the privacy of therapy I can finally allow the huge stash of energy that is my acid trips to come up as the missing piece of the puzzle I’ve been working on for over 30 years, and so I began to burst forth with energy, and the exploration finally begins!
6/4 – 18th session – Talked about first acid trip at Big Sur. Feeling of being directly in reality with no filters. One question I had was relation of that experience to Zen, especially after finding Platform Sutra. He wanted to know how the experience affected my view of the world. I said, “Well, that’s been the question for the last 35 years.” He asked, “Have you ever written about it?” I said, “No, I don’t think so.” He asked, “Could you?”I said, “Yes, I think I could.” He suggests it might be a worthwhile thing to try.
6/18 – 19th session – What can you teach? That would really turn you on, empower you. Something you’d love to teach. And you could also write about. This is the homework.
My first answer is teach applied buddhism. But work with it. Start there but keep writing and work with it.
What would it look like? Context, auspices, etc.
At beginning he says looks like your path is trying to put together, optimize, balance, three elements: spiritual, psychological, and financial.
What is your calling? What is the entity? What can you teach?
How about meditation for teachers? Keep going.
FINISHED THE SCHOOL YEAR (3RD YEAR, 4TH GRADE PROBLEM CLASS)
JULY ESCROW CLOSED, STILL LIVED AT ZEN CENTER
7/2 – 20th session – Developing the language to express powerful Buddhist principles without a trace of the sectarianism. Working with intelligent, powerful, successful adults who want to learn to manage the inner forces as well as they manage the external using the clarity and spaciousness of meditation/open mind, without getting weird. JKZ and Daniel Goleman have done this successfully. (Two years later I notice the connection with “Cultivating Emotional Balance” and the whole Goleman book reading experience [8/12/03]). Developed powerful secular language around mindfulness, attention, emotional intelligence. Synthesize Kabat-Zinn, Goleman, and Heifetz. What about Sanctuary? Feel the power. Use my writing as a way to develop the language. What is the source of the resiliency? Johnson’s language here is: aligned, relaxed, resilient. Scott notices that through all the hard times I never gave up.
7/16 – 21st session – This is the beginning of a new writing project. I’ll see Scott in a little more than 2 weeks and we’ll see how things have evolved. I don’t know if it’s fact or fiction. It could be what I’m going to be teaching in a seminar or it could be the novel about the sixties. Nothing is forbidden. I could list all the things that have struck me as “Yes, that’s what my mission has always been!” This is the writing where nobody is judging if it meets some standard or criterion. I am closing the gap between what I am and what I want to be. I am dealing with the inner voice that keeps pushing forward because of a sense of incompleteness. I haven’t integrated the spectacular inner experiences of LSD and of living and studying with Maezumi Roshi for 22 years into the texture of my daily life. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Get to the bottom of this matter, who I am below all the superficial layers and identities. Make a difference in the world that really makes a difference. Be a worldworker in the sense Arnold Mindell uses it. It has the power that Bernie puts into the word Peacemaker. Somebody who’s really out there and really making a difference.
THIS MUST BE THE WEEKEND WE MOVED
8/1 – 22nd session – Very tired from moving. Librarian role looked better and better. Place to finally be able to settle. Comfortable enough to start writing. Writing is about who I am. That’s where it starts. Letting go of identifying with the therapist in End of the Road. Sense of incompleteness about Transpersonal Psychology. The school librarian role. All the negative stereotypes of librarians.
As who I am unfolds, the overflow of loosed energies can channel into the aspects of the Information Power vision. A container large enough for me to be fully self-expressed. I’m more than my profession but can be in one where I can feel free to fully express who I am in the wholeness of life.
8/16 – 23rd session – Talked a lot about meeting with Ken next Monday. What emotional patterns were activated by our phone call and the thought of working with him. First: envy about being able to do business consulting and executive coaching. My business experience, work with Julian and Gary, Ronnie and Riley. Second: resistance to working with a teacher. Activates sense of frustration about certification with Roshi and Nyogen. These 2 are a goldmine. Resistance to entering into a contract where I give up any autonomy. Strong sense of being a peer. Things I feel deeply incomplete about.
STARTING 4TH YEAR OF TEACHING. 3RD GRADE CLASS.
8/30 – 24th session – Just realized coming out that I didn’t mention my 1 visit to Yoruba House. Hopefully that will become a positive part of the mix by next time.
Second day of school year, I felt really good. Scott kept saying I felt significantly calmer and more confident that before. I talked about the integration of spiritual practice, work, and social action I’m working on with ZPO and it felt very promising. That I’m working on letting go of struggling to make various elements work together –just allowing deep deep relaxing into the present. Talked about the Surya Das Dzogchen tape I’m listening to.
One thing that helped simplify things was knowing I don’t need to work with or struggle to integrate Ken McLeod.
Scott asked about the writing project and I told him I went through it with a yellow highlighter this morning to show the main body is about how to integrate the life I have now, especially the work I’m doing now. Next I want to prune off a lot of the little probes that try to jump away.
One element that came out is shifting language from sectarian Buddhist to more inclusive, accessible Global Ethic. Also, I would love to be able to talk about systems without losing the integration that’s developing so far. Maybe that’s what they’re trying to do at the Senge – Shambhala conference. Except there it’s the Fifth Discipline view of management, meditation, and art. Look back into their site and see if there’s anything helpful there.
9/13 – 25th session – Things are going well at school. I’m finally having some more or less happy, pleasant, workable days. About a month of this at work after so many years of extreme struggle, battle, worry. Still feel a need for vigilance, be careful. And stay the course. It’s just a prescription for enjoying things getting better and better.
9/25 – 26th session – Talked a lot about how sane and positive the opening and closing circle in my classroom seem to be. Having that ritual intact and functioning seems an incremental improvement in my whole life situation. A stable place to work on my vow to save all beings.
10/9 – 27th session – Started talking about terminating. Current authorization runs out in about 2 months. He’ll confirm the date. Dealing with this kid Victor came out as the current koan: the test, the challenge. I’d been feeling defeated, frustrated, low energy, almost depressed. Clearly in the session Victor was what’s up. How I deal with it. As so many times before with Scott. He always says, “So, that’s the test.” It’s like judo; use the energy of the opponent. It’s like tantra – the poison is the medicine, the magic elixir. Use it very skillfully. Life is the teacher. When things seem perfect something comes along to spoil it. Don’t fight it or deny it. It’s the teacher, the catalyst of real growth. Tears your heart open. Dig deeper. How much love can you give?
10/23 – 28th session – What do you want to do? Create world peace. Become an enlightened being as a model. A voice comes in: don’t be so grandiose and impractical.
Turns out there are about 8 more sessions. Started talking about Robert Fritz: Path of Least Resistance.
11/6 – 29th session – After so many hundreds of hours in peak experiences in so many different modes and ways. After 22 years wanting to be empowered by Maezumi Roshi and failing. The times I was happiest was teaching 1 on 1 in the interview room. Does teaching 3rd graders satisfy? No. What can you teach? Whatever the synthesis is that’s emerging. But it’s coming so slow. Keep working on the writing and see what it is that’s emerging.
11/20 – 30th session – The key is to stay centered. Strategy includes become a crusader for Victor to help find him a place where his needs will be met. Sal would be a good ally. Approaching 1-year anniversary, this is so much less severe. I haven’t done anything wrong – only problem is if I let it activate a big reactive emotional outburst. Be centered, positive, competent. Wanting to help Victor. The system is failing him. He needs a lot more support than what he’s been getting. That’s why he’s repeating third grade. Stay centered. I want to help all my kids. I want to help him by finding a place that gives him what he needs to get back on track. He has severely traumatized a really healthy emotional environment (my classroom). I really like Victor and I want to help him, and the other students who are the victims of his influence.
Now I’m waiting in the barbershop, after having driven most of the way home. Thinking about “staying centered”. Seems like the perfect mantra for dealing with this. Looks like the 1-year reactivation/replay of the “Juan Diaz incident” is way more benign. Just don’t kick into an angry victim mentality. Stay centered. Be really positive, professional. I would really like to help Victor. That was the part that came from Scott that was new for me. I told him he was going to have to slow down if I was going to be able to internalize this. I guess what Scott could see is Victor really has no place being in a mainstream class. He kept on suggesting I shift away from focusing on myself to focusing on Victor. He’s really what’s causing all this and Scott’s first ten tries were about what can you do to get him moved somewhere else. He was speaking from his experience as a psychologist in a non-public school for extreme behavior problems. He knows all the services such kids can receive, and says these are the kinds of things Victor needs. It was when he was listing all the detailed services they receive that I asked him to slow down. I was having a hard enough time getting the basic point – that the strategy is to try to see what I can do to help find a place where Victor can get his needs met. That’s what stopped me. I’m so busy in my angry, self-righteous, victim explosion that I can’t see anything else. I kept exploding from that perspective and he basically kept pounding on the getting Victor’s needs met angle.
12/4 – 31st session – Values and character education shows up big time as the first real answer to the question Scott has been asking the whole time – what do you teach, what is your purpose, what are you about, why are you here? But not as a superficial curricular ploy. As a shout from the depths, a gut level reaction to the most powerful challenges. It’s what the world I live in is crying for, and I’m sitting on top of answers. I can channel a moral force. Goodness. Respect.
Be careful, allow this to grow. It’s the thread that goes through all the beads. I become a big part of the solution. (Over a year and a half later I note how this connects back to the focus on value systems in my 1985 “Intellectual Journal” [8/12/03]).
12/18 – 32nd session – “Exceeds Expectations” Stull today. Whole session sounded very positive. I’ve really come a long way. Go off track standing as a pillar of sanity, compassion, honesty, and skill in the school community.
Six more sessions authorized, but we set dates to terminate a month from now. Just do 2 last sessions – Jan 2 and Jan. 15, unless something unforeseen comes up. I feel a little apprehensive about finishing. Have become a little dependent on the comfort and security of being in therapy.
END OF FIRST BLOCK (SEPT.-DEC) OF 4TH YEAR (3RD GRADE)
1/2/02 – 33rd session – I went in really happy about the fact that I have 2 more months of vacation left and came out even more happy to realize I can use this time to write.
1/15/02 – 34th (and final) session – He talked a lot about how far I’ve come and how well I’ve done. I ran through a few metaphors. I don’t feel like writing it down right now. It’s coming out in my writing project.
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